Friday, May 1, 2009

Two Girls Walk Into a Porn Store


Tabbie and I had a little dinner last night and then decided to do a little browsing and shopping at the local adult store.

Now, I compare all adult stores to mac daddy of them all, The Pleasure Chest (http://www.thepleasurechest.com/). This store has everything you could ever need (and some unbelieveable items no one should ever need). They also offer some amazing classes. This month, for example, they have Back Door Betty: everything you ever wanted to know about Anal Sex and a Hands on Body Harness Workshop.

The store we visited last night was nothing like the Pleasure Chest. For one, they had video booths in the back that smelled like a circus had come to town. I'm not talking about the standard cum and disinfectant bouquet that normally accompanies these sorts of places. These smelled like a filthy truck stop bathroom - a nasty old pee aroma. The signs that normally decorate the booths about going in solo were there, but even bigger signs read: NO PISSING!!

Who does that? Isn't everyone there to jack off to porn? Can you really not break away for a second to run to the bathroom?

The product selection was pretty weak and the guy behind the counter really knew jack about the products he was selling. For fun, I did make him do a vibrator comparison test with me.
We spent a few minutes chatting him up before leaving, asking about the 14 page banned customer list hanging behind him, his opinion of the local strip joints and detailed questions regarding those wonderful booths.

And here's the kicker.

While conversing with the guy, he repeatedly told Tabbie and I that we were weird and strange. This was coming from the porn store dude - a dude with the weirdest and strangest job ever! A guy who has to see the sickest, most bizarre behavior known to man. I knew we were a litte freaky, but wow, that's quite a label he handed out to us. And he hadn't even heard any of our truly outrageous stories.

I think I'll take it as a compliment.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Creepy Guy Strikes Again Pt. 2


I had to screw with him again, I just had to. For the benefit of Tabbie (http://theambiguousblob.blogspot.com/) and other friends of mine who may read this, I decided to pepper the conversation with a few inside jokes as well:


CG: hi sweetie
GB: so i had a hard time sleeping last night thinking about your car fantasy. imagining i was there
CG: mmmm - i knew you would
GB: are you open to other places as well
CG: all sorts of places
GB: like what? me, i love doing it at the movies and in pastures and seeing if i can pull it off some place public, like walmart
CG: i like doing things secretly in public places. one time, in the train station. i was up on a balcony, looking down on the security guard. the guard had no idea what was going on. a girl was making me very pleased
GB: that's hot like the fire in my crotch
CG: was i in your fantasy last night? and what was going on
GB: of course you were in my fantasy
CG: that is VERY intriguing
GB: i'd like to be out in public with you. it gets me hot and bothered. my roommate is such a bore, really.
CG: she is, isnt she. i'd love you to describe more of what you imagined last nite
GB: just that instead of my prudish roomie, i was the one in the car. i have a 99 ford escort, btw. it's got a dent in the front bumper, but has low mileage. i want you to have a clear pic for this fantasy. anyway, i was rubbing my tits all over you from your head to your toes
CG: go on baby, go on
GB: and then i'd take a leftover packet of marmalade from our lunch date and smear it on my nipples and have you lick it off
CG: yes. you're turning me on. go on. i'm so there
GB: then i would take off my clothes and lean back the seats and get my tits really lubed up with more marmelade and have you fuck them. my nipples clamps would be jingle jangling all the way CG: tell me about my cock now
GB: i'd be surprised because your cock would be so huge, so big it should be part of the trail of 100 giants (the sequoias). giant number 103
CG: and then? i love this. there is a surreal feeling to this fantasy
GB: and then i would touch myself while i had to rub your cock all over me
CG: i like a fantasy that turns into a plan.
GB: me too. tell me more about ur fantsasy
CG: it's very similar. but also involved hair pulling and steering your face where i want it. lubricating your tits with your tongue and saliva instead of sticky marmalade while i fuck them
GB: GRRRRR that is hot. i like a guy who tells me what to do. i feel like running around like a blind bear
CG: you're my kind of girl. we start to touch each other in the restaurant and are sitting close enough that your hand is on my crotch under the table
GB: exactly where it should be...what do i find?
CG: a hard rod in my pants that responds to your touch. seeing if we can sneak into the restroom when no one is looking, and making you get on your knees and pull that hard rod out of my pants just for a taste. have to save myself for your tits
GB: i would love to just climb under the table like i had to fetch a roll i dropped. take a quick bite and lube you up with the butter
CG: i can barely get my jeans on, i'm hard and sticky right now. let me know if you want to meet for lunch one day very soon

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Creepy Guy Strikes Again - Pt 1

So my dear roomie went on a horrendous date with a boy many moons ago.


I listed him in the blog I wrote regarding weirdos you meet when you online date. Said guy decided to IM me via the dating site. I pretended I knew nothing about his date with Tabbie and this is how the conversation went. Please read my responses with the sarcasm I intended:

Creepy Guy: so how are you doing? you know, I went on a date with your roommate with the big boobs. She kept rubbing her tits on me
Ginormous Boobs: and then....like where did she rub them
CG: against my body and crotch. and then she got shy.
GB: were you guys naked?
CG: no, that would have been hot
GB: haha
CG: is she bigger than you , miss ginormous?
GB: nope, i am bigger than her
CG: are you shy like her?
GB: thats a loaded question
CG: i mean, as i described, she is pretty big
GB: i know ive seen them
CG: then your photos don't tell the whole story
GB: why is that...i told you my boobs were bigger. do they look smaller than hers?
CG: you did. just does not seem ginormous in photos. i think she likes to get them fucked, but.... shy
GB: wow i wouldnt take her for shy. were you trying to fuck her tits in broad daylight? after a lunch date
CG: so what if i did?
GB: maybe she was just shy out in the daylight. maybe you have to get her alone in the dark
CG: boring. i like to see what's happening. i prefer a girl who's not shy about light
GB: what else do you like besides a non prude girl
CG: a girl who enjoys pleasuring me with her breasts in random places in the middle of the day would be a lot..... that alone seems hard enough to find
GB: i cant believe thats hard to find. it's soooo not a big deal...and kind of fun
CG: feel free to change my mind, but i have not found the girl yet that's not shy about going there
GB: really...you must be looking at the wrong kid of girls. i seriously dont know too many that wouldnt like a good car tittie bang at noon
CG: you must be kidding me. introduce me to said women

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Awww, look what Cupid sent me

Just as I enjoy shopping online, I enjoy internet dating. I have had some pretty great dates and a few relationships that have come about from an email and a wish.

However, there are quite a few weirdoes, douchebags and a-holes that I have had to slog through in order to find the good guys. I'll see that I have a new email, get very excited at the possibilities and then...BAM.

The message will be completely off the wall.

So without further ado, I present some of my favorite inane messages. They are unedited and I have included a photo from their profiles if they had one posted.


From White Male Age 32:
I like what I see! I do wanna make sure you aren't hefty. I can tell that you have great tits! I would hook up with you, but I should admit that I like thin to average. If that's you hit me back!

BTW, how are your oral skills?
(they are great, by the way, but is this really a question you ask in email numero uno?)




From White Male Age 24:
screw tact, youre a fucking milf
(this would be a compliment I guess,
that is, if I had a child)








From White Male Age 45
YOU'RE CUTE....YOU'RE SEXY....AND YOUR TITS ARE SURPRISINGLY BIG; YOU ARE ON THE SLIM SIDE I MEAN.JUST AN OBSERVATION
(he must be serious about my tits and slimness since he wrote in all caps. i received another message from this guy as soon as i logged on the dating site today)
GODDAMN, YOU GOT SOME AMAZING TITS GIRL...


From White Male Age 35:
hi...you're fucking stunning.
and i think we should make out.
hehe
(you're right, we should. i'll totally call you. hehe)







From White Male Age 27:
Wanna fuck?
(wow, way to woo a girl. your abs make me so hot i just want to drop my panties and climb onboard)













From Mid East Male Age 26:
hi my sweety girl you are very amzing bigger kiss for you muhhhhh
(that bigger kiss muhhhh gets me every time)







From Black Male Age 23:
hey beautiful princess of the sunshine goddess
i crave for the radiance of the light reflecting majestically on your face
the beauty transending from God's perfect handi work
ui sound cool
well i'm just an ordinary guy who is confident and sincere
and thinks he might have achance with you
if the probability is 1 out of 1000000 its o.k
at least i got a shot at the most beautiful being i have ever seen in this this world
full of glitters not gold.
holla back.
friends?
(now i don't mean to sound ungrateful.
i'm a girl who really appreciates romance .
i also dig someone writing me lovely messages and poetry.
but this...this is something else)





From White Male Age 28:



(Message 1)
come to AZ and smother me with those boobs

(Message 2)



so right now i'm out of woos
but still i got some words for you(s)
you are mad hot i mean your body
kinda makes me start to feel naughty
so sometime we should chat or talk
sometime i'd love to show you my...
winning personality:P
ciao
(sorry fella. i do travel to smother boys with my boobs,
but they have to spit out better rhymes than that. holla.
by the way, he's another offender who buzzed me today with...)
what fantastic boobies!





From White Male Age 22:
lets get naked?
(i almost wrote him back because he was kind
enough to put it in the form of a question)




From White Male, Age 30:
is it in bad taste to chat up the roomie
of a girl who turned me down?
well... obviously she does not care
(bad taste or not, she told me the story of why she turned you down.
did you really think the roomies wouldn't talk? stoooopid!)




From White Male Age 22:
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?
You're the most beautiful turtle today
Your head is hide in your shell
Your lovely eyes are peeking at me
I am confuse how can i tell
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
I'm just a simple toad
Nothing super duper about me
I seem the same as everyone here
In the toad community
Will you be my friend
Will you be my friend
Will you be my friend
O toad, nobody talks to me here
I thank you, if you be my friend
I am waiting on the sidelines
Wishing for someone so kind
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Its first time
Don't know how to go
Now i am quiet
Don't know what to do
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Can you do somthing?
Smiling is ok for now
Don't be confuse please
We can have fun somehow
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
(if i lived in a pond, dear god, i'd hump this boy)

From White Male Age 30:
good rack, white girl
(i found this very odd. do white girls not have good racks?
i could understand if he was talking about asses or something,
but i thought plentiful racks were a universal thing)



From White Male Age 33:
TO GOOD FRIEND I FIND IN YOU
Greetings of the season I wish you and all around!
Yeah distance makes no difference and no matter what happens, no matter what you do, I believe that you stay same-for i hope you'll always be you. God made you special; No one can take that away. So when the problems call and the darkness falls, never forget that someone cares about you, OK. Never forget your dreams; they aren't as far away, as you might think they seams. Let nothing get you down, and when the times get rough, simply smile like a circus clown. I must have delayed my response back to you all these while but it changes nothing towards our knowing.You have made me rich by giving me the gift of friendship from far and wide, by being there when I needed a friend, and by giving me a shove in the right direction- Thanks allot for your response to y mail of friendship, and for all the wonderful things you do. I found a true friend, when I found you. May the peace and love of the most high be with you and your house hold in this wonderful season, and above all a greeting in the name of the most high for his wonderful care and protections to our general lives how are you and all around you? Hope all is well as this is very most to me. Regarding my personal self, I am pretty cool and same do I hope for you.About me and my life style and me, my names HASSAN ABU NEJIM 32years; of height 5.8 ft, though Single, a graduate degree holds in Agricultural Engineering - Horticultural Science from the University of Iraq - Baghdad. Family background! My parent has 7 of us, I am in the Fourth position among five sisters and one brother, father still active in duty and mum house wife only. The heart is a very precious and fragile gift that is given to another and the taker should view it with extreme care. For friends are like a flower, the flower needs the warmth of bright sunshine and gentle rains, for it's growth. While putting all it's trust in the elements, knowing all along that the sun could become too bright and burn the pretty flower. And the very gentle rain that provides it nourishment could very easily wash it away from its foundation. As in love it needs the warmth of communication, honesty and trust for its growth. And when one has all three key elements in a friendship, the friendship has a very strong foundation that will withstand the harshness of all elements. I want us to take this opportunity to get to know each other better. So I say to you let's throw a few seeds into fertile soil, put a little water on it and see what beautiful flowers may blossom. On job life am presently working as a sales manager with Astra agricultural company in Algeria , I have 12 years experience in agricultural science specially the vegetables inside and out side production, i hate the sale business but it is available now so i take it as Job for now with a good basic salary and good yearly bonus. I would like to meet with an open-minded friend with who one can afford to learn much in keeping with faith. I believe that my mail of friendship request was not enough to speak much, but do sure believe with time we shall discover ourselves. I shall plead to hold on for now as i hope to read back from you at your earliest expediency. wishing you the best of the seasons in advance.
YOUR ENDLESS LOVE
(wtf? he obviously doesn't know how many yearly bonus making algerian friends i already have. between golden girls reruns and updating my status on myspace, i just cannot possibly find time for another)