Probably Not in Her Job Description

Years ago when I was working at a lame talent agency, the owner decided to rent out some extra office space to a production company for a month. This gave us a new group of people to socialize with at work, one of which was a boy my age.

***Now I don't make it a point to date people I work with. The only exception I have is if the person is on their way out the door. If I know they won't be around in 30 days, I'm all for it.

So this boy was very cute and I found him to be quite entertaining as well. He talked in this pimp voice and I thought it was a riot. We enjoyed slipping away for a few minutes in the afternoons to make out in the stairs or do a little groping in the elevator.

He invited me over to his place one night and insisted on showing me his favorite movie, Jackie Brown. I don't really remember much of it because he spent the entire time quoting lines from the film.

After the movie, we started a hot and heavy get down session. We were both nekkid in his bed when it slowly dawned on me that this pimp act he had going on wasn't really an act...his mac daddy talk was actually him trying to be all hardcore sexy.

I should have stopped right there. But I did not.

It was time for the condom and he put it on and went to go do the deed. I felt a little poke down below, but not much else. I told him it wasn't in yet.

But it was in!

In order to quell the embarrassment his ultra small peen had just caused, I wiggled underneath him a bit and proclaimed that it hadn't been ALL the way in before. He bought it and continued his playa playa routine.

Not two minutes later he made a sound like a strangled rooster and hopped off me. Before I could utter a word, he ripped the condom off and proceeded to ejaculate on the clothes in his open closet.

Like a fireman with a (very teeny) hose, he shot his wad all over everything. He made sure to aim up and down and side to side in order to coat all of his shirts, pants and ties.

Now, I've seen some weird stuff in my day, but this was the weirdest. After the shock wore off, I asked him why in the hell he wanted to jizz all over the clean clothes in his closet. And he answered...

...because the maid was coming the next day.

I don't know about you all, but I try not to leave unnecessary cum covered items for the maid to deal with. And just because she is coming over to clean doesn't mean one needs to purposely make extra work for her, right?

I hightailed it out of his house and was able to avoid him for the remaining four days he was part of our office. I accidentally left my jacket at his place, but after the horrors I witnessed there, there was no way I was asking for that thing back.

Doctor Feel Good Chronicles - Pt 1

I was shopping around for a new general practitioner and flipping through the phone book. I settled on a female doc with a generic sounding name and went in for my appointment.

As soon as I opened the door, I started getting flustered. Not because the doctor's office freaked me out...no, no, no.

There was the most hunky Cuban boy behind the counter. I stammered out my name and he winked at me and told me it was a pleasure to meet me.

His name was Marco and he RADIATED sexual energy. It was just pouring off him in waves and waves. He worked for the lady doctor as her physician assistant and also did EMT work.

After a short wait, Marco led me back to the exam room. I told him he could just skip the whole getting my weight part because, really, what girl wants to hop on a scale in front of some dreamy guy?

We flirted the entire time he took my history and somehow got on the topic of smoking marijuana. We then decided it would be a totally great idea if I went over to his house some time to sample his bud.

Uh, huh.

We exchanged numbers and didn't Marco call me the very next day. I had no desire to actually date this boy; he was going to be a strict booty call. The invite was for 11pm and he told me he was going to show me a good time.

I walked in and he whipped out a bong he kept in the fridge that was filled with ice. I smoked a teeny bit and was feeling pretty relaxed. He then asked if I wanted to watch a movie.

And wouldn't you know it, the VCR in the living room was broken, so we had to watch it in the bedroom.

Bom-chick-a-bom-bom...and you know the rest.

Marco was 6'4 and built like The Rock. Time with him was hot and sweaty and I loved the way he threw me around the room. Our booty calls were frequent and amazing.

And we couldn't get enough of it, so we took it to the next level.

I had been having some irregular heartbeats, so it was suggested I go get some EKG's done. This turned out to be great, because it gave me an excuse to visit Marco at work every week. And since Marco was the one who did the EKG's in the office, it gave us an excuse to close the door. It also provided a good reason for my shirt to be off.

But no matter how we racked our brains, there really was no good excuse for his pants to be down around his ankles.

He'd hook the electrodes up to my bare chest, we would be very, very dirty, and lo and behold, my heart would be pounding and the test results would look EXTREMELY abnormal. The doctor would insist on follow ups to recheck the results and for 6 weeks we kept this up.

Yeah, it was fun. And my insurance covered every dime.

I sent my sister to this same doctor because it was close to her work. She was blown away by Marci's sexiness, but said she could never go back. The entire time she was there, she kept wondering if she was sitting in the exact spot where her big sister had just gotten her lovin on.

After a few months, I met a boy I actually wanted to have sex with AND date, so my time with Marco ended.

And so it goes.

***I should mention that the last time I saw Marco, he was very excited about some dental work he had done. For some reason, he thought it was a good idea to have a diamond chip put on to front tooth as a decoration.

This made not seeing him anymore much less painful. A diamond in your tooth, seriously, wtf?

Payback is a Bitch

Just promise me you'll watch through to 1:13 minutes...