Probably Not in Her Job Description

Years ago when I was working at a lame talent agency, the owner decided to rent out some extra office space to a production company for a month. This gave us a new group of people to socialize with at work, one of which was a boy my age.

***Now I don't make it a point to date people I work with. The only exception I have is if the person is on their way out the door. If I know they won't be around in 30 days, I'm all for it.

So this boy was very cute and I found him to be quite entertaining as well. He talked in this pimp voice and I thought it was a riot. We enjoyed slipping away for a few minutes in the afternoons to make out in the stairs or do a little groping in the elevator.

He invited me over to his place one night and insisted on showing me his favorite movie, Jackie Brown. I don't really remember much of it because he spent the entire time quoting lines from the film.

After the movie, we started a hot and heavy get down session. We were both nekkid in his bed when it slowly dawned on me that this pimp act he had going on wasn't really an act...his mac daddy talk was actually him trying to be all hardcore sexy.

I should have stopped right there. But I did not.

It was time for the condom and he put it on and went to go do the deed. I felt a little poke down below, but not much else. I told him it wasn't in yet.

But it was in!

In order to quell the embarrassment his ultra small peen had just caused, I wiggled underneath him a bit and proclaimed that it hadn't been ALL the way in before. He bought it and continued his playa playa routine.

Not two minutes later he made a sound like a strangled rooster and hopped off me. Before I could utter a word, he ripped the condom off and proceeded to ejaculate on the clothes in his open closet.

Like a fireman with a (very teeny) hose, he shot his wad all over everything. He made sure to aim up and down and side to side in order to coat all of his shirts, pants and ties.

Now, I've seen some weird stuff in my day, but this was the weirdest. After the shock wore off, I asked him why in the hell he wanted to jizz all over the clean clothes in his closet. And he answered...

...because the maid was coming the next day.

I don't know about you all, but I try not to leave unnecessary cum covered items for the maid to deal with. And just because she is coming over to clean doesn't mean one needs to purposely make extra work for her, right?

I hightailed it out of his house and was able to avoid him for the remaining four days he was part of our office. I accidentally left my jacket at his place, but after the horrors I witnessed there, there was no way I was asking for that thing back.

Doctor Feel Good Chronicles - Pt 1

I was shopping around for a new general practitioner and flipping through the phone book. I settled on a female doc with a generic sounding name and went in for my appointment.

As soon as I opened the door, I started getting flustered. Not because the doctor's office freaked me out...no, no, no.

There was the most hunky Cuban boy behind the counter. I stammered out my name and he winked at me and told me it was a pleasure to meet me.

His name was Marco and he RADIATED sexual energy. It was just pouring off him in waves and waves. He worked for the lady doctor as her physician assistant and also did EMT work.

After a short wait, Marco led me back to the exam room. I told him he could just skip the whole getting my weight part because, really, what girl wants to hop on a scale in front of some dreamy guy?

We flirted the entire time he took my history and somehow got on the topic of smoking marijuana. We then decided it would be a totally great idea if I went over to his house some time to sample his bud.

Uh, huh.

We exchanged numbers and didn't Marco call me the very next day. I had no desire to actually date this boy; he was going to be a strict booty call. The invite was for 11pm and he told me he was going to show me a good time.

I walked in and he whipped out a bong he kept in the fridge that was filled with ice. I smoked a teeny bit and was feeling pretty relaxed. He then asked if I wanted to watch a movie.

And wouldn't you know it, the VCR in the living room was broken, so we had to watch it in the bedroom.

Bom-chick-a-bom-bom...and you know the rest.

Marco was 6'4 and built like The Rock. Time with him was hot and sweaty and I loved the way he threw me around the room. Our booty calls were frequent and amazing.

And we couldn't get enough of it, so we took it to the next level.

I had been having some irregular heartbeats, so it was suggested I go get some EKG's done. This turned out to be great, because it gave me an excuse to visit Marco at work every week. And since Marco was the one who did the EKG's in the office, it gave us an excuse to close the door. It also provided a good reason for my shirt to be off.

But no matter how we racked our brains, there really was no good excuse for his pants to be down around his ankles.

He'd hook the electrodes up to my bare chest, we would be very, very dirty, and lo and behold, my heart would be pounding and the test results would look EXTREMELY abnormal. The doctor would insist on follow ups to recheck the results and for 6 weeks we kept this up.

Yeah, it was fun. And my insurance covered every dime.

I sent my sister to this same doctor because it was close to her work. She was blown away by Marci's sexiness, but said she could never go back. The entire time she was there, she kept wondering if she was sitting in the exact spot where her big sister had just gotten her lovin on.

After a few months, I met a boy I actually wanted to have sex with AND date, so my time with Marco ended.

And so it goes.

***I should mention that the last time I saw Marco, he was very excited about some dental work he had done. For some reason, he thought it was a good idea to have a diamond chip put on to front tooth as a decoration.

This made not seeing him anymore much less painful. A diamond in your tooth, seriously, wtf?

Self Love On a Plane - Masturbation Chronicles Pt 1

I adore meeting people from all over the world and there's really no better place than at an airport or while sitting on a plane. Everyone has a story and I'm just the gal to listen to it.

In January of 2001, I was traveling back on a redeye to Los Angeles after spending my Christmas and New Year in the Midwest. The flight was full and I was seated with a business man on my left and a man named Chuck on my right.

Now Chuck was an interesting fellow. He immediately introduced himself to me and told me he was flying to Oxnard to attend a Christian acting camp. I found that mildly entertaining so I continued to chat him up for a few minutes. He seemed nice enough at first, but shortly after take off, he took out his bible and began to question my relationship with Jesus. I tired of the preaching after about five minutes, feigned sleep and eventually ended up nodding off.

But my slumber was short lived.

I was awoken by something rhythmically hitting my right arm. I opened my eyes and turned toward Chuck.

And lo and behold, my proselytizing Christian buddy was masturbating right there in the seat for the whole world to see. No jacket on his lap, no discreet blanket covering him up. He had his dick out blowing in the breeze and his left arm was getting quite the workout (and invading my space - it was this arm bumping into mine that woke me up).

Chuck caught me glaring at him, but made no effort to stop. I finally had to say something.

"Chuck, can you please put that thing away?"

It must have been the nice way I asked, because Chuck finally become a little embarrassed and apologetic.

Now, most people probably would have called the stewardess over at this point and demanded a seat change. I did not. We had a row of little girls in front of us and the flight was full. There was no way I wanted to subject Chuck to anyone else. I figured I could deal with his behavior better than most and one day I'd turn his little pleasure session into a scene in one of my films.

The rest of the flight was uneventful. I exited and called my mom to tell her about my lovely seatmate. She was horrified and demanded I go to the Continental counter and tell them what happened. I finally relented and recounted my story.

Each person thought the tale was hilarious and would grab me to bring me to a co-worker and have me repeat it. This went on until I had told the story to four different people.

And here's why I heart Continental.

The last person I spoke to was a supervisor. And that supervisor felt so bad for me that she gave me a free roundtrip ticket and a $500 travel voucher. SWEET!
Ahhhh...if only someone would jack off next to me on every flight. Have you seen the price of tickets these days?

Creepy Guy Strikes Again - Pt 4

He's bacccccccckkkkk.

After our steamy IM conversations, Creepy Guy was convinced I was hot, hot, hot for him and couldn't wait for an afternoon car escapade. In order to entice me, he sent me a link and a password to his super secret website. There, I found clips he had edited together from various homemade porns he had shot.

I like porn...scratch that...I LOVE porn (especially ameateur stuff). However, this guy managed to make my vagina shrivel a little.

The video looked like some kind of seedy snuff film. It was black & white and looked as if it had been shot via hidden camera. I crossed my fingers and prayed a masked man didn't suddenly appear with duct tape and a machete.

I wasn't able to download the video, but I did grab a screen shot. You can all thank me later for passing along this shuttersome picture.

My First Time

Mike was my very first serious boyfriend. I was 13 when we met – my uncle was engaged to his sister (no, we were NOT about to become relatives you sick sick perverts). He was gorgeous and funny and a wonderful dancer/performer and I had a huge crush from the moment I saw him. Under constant teasing from the family, we finally exchanged phone numbers and for one year, we spoke on the phone every night. Neither one of us had a license, so we relied on relatives and friends to drive us the 50 miles to one another’s homes.

And of course, we saw each other at family functions ;)

Our normal meeting place was the mall by his house. I could usually convince one of my aunts to do some shopping while Mike and I made out in every store. I remember kneeling down behind the shelves in a bookstore and experiencing my first extended French kissing session. I, um, liked it a lot.

I’ll never forget the time he brought ME a rose after one of his performances. Nice touch, right? While the family was visiting in the basement, he laid me down in the living room and kissed me so tenderly I wanted to melt. When I felt his weight on top of me, I knew it had to be love.

He taught me how to give a handjob. His instructions were to hold it, move my hand up and down and squeeze ever so lightly. I made the mistake of telling my girlfriends this I was forever known as Squeeze Cock (this ryhmes with my last name).

Mike was also the recipient of my first ever blowjob. Our families had gathered at a hotel to celebrate a birthday and we took a walk outside. We ended up in the bushes on the outside of a glass wall that bordered the indoor swimming pool. I was so engrossed in trying to coordinate my mouth and my hands that I didn’t notice my cousins yelling our names, trying to find us. Mike grabbed me and held me still until they passed a few feet from where we were hunkered down. We waited a few minutes and sheepishly crept back in to the party. I stuck to giving out hugs instead of kisses to my grandparents when we left.

I knew I wanted to lose my virginity to Mike, so I found a friend with a car and headed down to Planned Parenthood for birth control pills and condoms (as I'm sure every 13 year old does). At home, I hid them inside a telephone-shaped pillow I had made in home ec.

I was obviously no slut, so I waited until I turned 14 to actually do the deed. While the adults were at a daytime event, Mike and I were left at my house under the supervision of my 12-year-old sister and my 15-year-old best friend. Being more concerned with watching the Hangin Tough New Kids on the Block video than keeping an eye on us, Mike and I were able to sneak up to my room.

It was goofy and awkward and OH DEAR LORD, the pain. It felt like someone took a knife to my down belows. But I was in love, remember. I overlooked the misery and Clarence Carter”s “Stroking” playing in the background, kissed Mike’s forehead and told him how wonderful it was.