Creepy Guy Strikes Again - Pt 1

So my dear roomie went on a horrendous date with a boy many moons ago.


I listed him in the blog I wrote regarding weirdos you meet when you online date. Said guy decided to IM me via the dating site. I pretended I knew nothing about his date with Tabbie and this is how the conversation went. Please read my responses with the sarcasm I intended:

Creepy Guy: so how are you doing? you know, I went on a date with your roommate with the big boobs. She kept rubbing her tits on me
Ginormous Boobs: and then....like where did she rub them
CG: against my body and crotch. and then she got shy.
GB: were you guys naked?
CG: no, that would have been hot
GB: haha
CG: is she bigger than you , miss ginormous?
GB: nope, i am bigger than her
CG: are you shy like her?
GB: thats a loaded question
CG: i mean, as i described, she is pretty big
GB: i know ive seen them
CG: then your photos don't tell the whole story
GB: why is that...i told you my boobs were bigger. do they look smaller than hers?
CG: you did. just does not seem ginormous in photos. i think she likes to get them fucked, but.... shy
GB: wow i wouldnt take her for shy. were you trying to fuck her tits in broad daylight? after a lunch date
CG: so what if i did?
GB: maybe she was just shy out in the daylight. maybe you have to get her alone in the dark
CG: boring. i like to see what's happening. i prefer a girl who's not shy about light
GB: what else do you like besides a non prude girl
CG: a girl who enjoys pleasuring me with her breasts in random places in the middle of the day would be a lot..... that alone seems hard enough to find
GB: i cant believe thats hard to find. it's soooo not a big deal...and kind of fun
CG: feel free to change my mind, but i have not found the girl yet that's not shy about going there
GB: really...you must be looking at the wrong kid of girls. i seriously dont know too many that wouldnt like a good car tittie bang at noon
CG: you must be kidding me. introduce me to said women

Awww, look what Cupid sent me

Just as I enjoy shopping online, I enjoy internet dating. I have had some pretty great dates and a few relationships that have come about from an email and a wish.

However, there are quite a few weirdoes, douchebags and a-holes that I have had to slog through in order to find the good guys. I'll see that I have a new email, get very excited at the possibilities and then...BAM.

The message will be completely off the wall.

So without further ado, I present some of my favorite inane messages. They are unedited and I have included a photo from their profiles if they had one posted.


From White Male Age 32:
I like what I see! I do wanna make sure you aren't hefty. I can tell that you have great tits! I would hook up with you, but I should admit that I like thin to average. If that's you hit me back!

BTW, how are your oral skills?
(they are great, by the way, but is this really a question you ask in email numero uno?)

From White Male Age 24:
screw tact, youre a fucking milf

(this would be a compliment I guess,
that is, if I had a child)

From White Male Age 45
YOU'RE CUTE....YOU'RE SEXY....AND YOUR TITS ARE SURPRISINGLY BIG; YOU ARE ON THE SLIM SIDE I MEAN.JUST AN OBSERVATION
(he must be serious about my tits and slimness since he wrote in all caps. i received another message from this guy as soon as i logged on the dating site today)
GODDAMN, YOU GOT SOME AMAZING TITS GIRL...


From White Male Age 35:

hi...you're fucking stunning.
and i think we should make out.
hehe
(you're right, we should. i'll totally call you. hehe)

From White Male Age 27:

Wanna fuck?
(wow, way to woo a girl. your abs make me so hot i just want to drop my panties and climb onboard)













From Mid East Male Age 26:
hi my sweety girl you are very amzing bigger kiss for you muhhhhh
(that bigger kiss muhhhh gets me every time)

From Black Male Age 23:
hey beautiful princess of the sunshine goddess
i crave for the radiance of the light reflecting majestically on your face
the beauty transending from God's perfect handi work

ui sound cool
well i'm just an ordinary guy who is confident and sincere
and thinks he might have achance with you
if the probability is 1 out of 1000000 its o.k
at least i got a shot at the most beautiful being i have ever seen in this this world
full of glitters not gold.
holla back.
friends?
(now i don't mean to sound ungrateful.
i'm a girl who really appreciates romance .
i also dig someone writing me lovely messages and poetry.
but this...this is something else)

From White Male Age 28:


(Message 1)
come to AZ and smother me with those boobs

(Message 2)

so right now i'm out of woos
but still i got some words for you(s)
you are mad hot i mean your body
kinda makes me start to feel naughty
so sometime we should chat or talk
sometime i'd love to show you my...
winning personality:P
ciao
(sorry fella. i do travel to smother boys with my boobs,
but they have to spit out better rhymes than that. holla.

by the way, he's another offender who buzzed me today with...)
what fantastic boobies!

From White Male Age 22:
lets get naked?
(i almost wrote him back because he was kind
enough to put it in the form of a question)

From White Male, Age 30:

is it in bad taste to chat up the roomie
of a girl who turned me down?
well... obviously she does not care
(bad taste or not, she told me the story of why she turned you down.
did you really think the roomies wouldn't talk? stoooopid!)

From White Male Age 22:
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?
You're the most beautiful turtle today
Your head is hide in your shell
Your lovely eyes are peeking at me
I am confuse how can i tell
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
I'm just a simple toad
Nothing super duper about me
I seem the same as everyone here
In the toad community
Will you be my friend
Will you be my friend
Will you be my friend
O toad, nobody talks to me here
I thank you, if you be my friend
I am waiting on the sidelines
Wishing for someone so kind
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Its first time
Don't know how to go
Now i am quiet
Don't know what to do
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Can you do somthing?
Smiling is ok for now
Don't be confuse please
We can have fun somehow
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
Will you be my friend?
(if i lived in a pond, dear god, i'd hump this boy)

From White Male Age 30:

good rack, white girl
(i found this very odd. do white girls not have good racks?
i could understand if he was talking about asses or something,
but i thought plentiful racks were a universal thing)

From White Male Age 33:
TO GOOD FRIEND I FIND IN YOU
Greetings of the season I wish you and all around!
Yeah distance makes no difference and no matter what happens, no matter what you do, I believe that you stay same-for i hope you'll always be you. God made you special; No one can take that away. So when the problems call and the darkness falls, never forget that someone cares about you, OK. Never forget your dreams; they aren't as far away, as you might think they seams. Let nothing get you down, and when the times get rough, simply smile like a circus clown. I must have delayed my response back to you all these while but it changes nothing towards our knowing.You have made me rich by giving me the gift of friendship from far and wide, by being there when I needed a friend, and by giving me a shove in the right direction- Thanks allot for your response to y mail of friendship, and for all the wonderful things you do. I found a true friend, when I found you. May the peace and love of the most high be with you and your house hold in this wonderful season, and above all a greeting in the name of the most high for his wonderful care and protections to our general lives how are you and all around you? Hope all is well as this is very most to me. Regarding my personal self, I am pretty cool and same do I hope for you.About me and my life style and me, my names HASSAN ABU NEJIM 32years; of height 5.8 ft, though Single, a graduate degree holds in Agricultural Engineering - Horticultural Science from the University of Iraq - Baghdad. Family background! My parent has 7 of us, I am in the Fourth position among five sisters and one brother, father still active in duty and mum house wife only. The heart is a very precious and fragile gift that is given to another and the taker should view it with extreme care. For friends are like a flower, the flower needs the warmth of bright sunshine and gentle rains, for it's growth. While putting all it's trust in the elements, knowing all along that the sun could become too bright and burn the pretty flower. And the very gentle rain that provides it nourishment could very easily wash it away from its foundation. As in love it needs the warmth of communication, honesty and trust for its growth. And when one has all three key elements in a friendship, the friendship has a very strong foundation that will withstand the harshness of all elements. I want us to take this opportunity to get to know each other better. So I say to you let's throw a few seeds into fertile soil, put a little water on it and see what beautiful flowers may blossom. On job life am presently working as a sales manager with Astra agricultural company in Algeria , I have 12 years experience in agricultural science specially the vegetables inside and out side production, i hate the sale business but it is available now so i take it as Job for now with a good basic salary and good yearly bonus. I would like to meet with an open-minded friend with who one can afford to learn much in keeping with faith. I believe that my mail of friendship request was not enough to speak much, but do sure believe with time we shall discover ourselves. I shall plead to hold on for now as i hope to read back from you at your earliest expediency. wishing you the best of the seasons in advance.
YOUR ENDLESS LOVE

(wtf? he obviously doesn't know how many yearly bonus making algerian friends i already have. between golden girls reruns and updating my status on myspace, i just cannot possibly find time for another)

GB Gets a Little Serious

No sexy time posts . No weird dating stories. No boob shots. The GB side of me is kind of on the back burner for today (though I guess I did manage to post a shot of 3 ladies in bed).

Out here in California, there are 4 of us girlfriends who are tighter than tight. This group includes me and my dear roommates, The Spaz and Tabbie. The fourth member is our wonderful friend, Leslie.

Today, Leslie is having an alien (aka tumor) removed from her abdomen (we've named it Gwyneth). And you thought my boobs were ginormous? Well, Gwyneth is the size of a CANTELOPE!!!

We found out a few weeks ago about the cancer and have been on pins and needles ever since. We are trying to stay positive, but today is very very scary.

The doctors aren't really sure what they are going to find when they go in there.

So please send some positive thoughts out to Leslie. And if you feel like leaving a drunk dial for me or sending a wacky email or picture, today would be the day to do it. Mama needs distractions and some big hearty laughs.

Boots and Boobs

Tabbie and I ended up doing touristy stuff on Hollywood Blvd. this weekend. A few blocks past Mann's Chinese Theatre and all the street performers, a glorious thing happens...

The souvenir shops filled with star maps and t-shirts are replaced with stripper stores full of sexy little outfits and ridiculously awesome shoes.

Tabbie and I saw these beauties on sale (2 pair for $45) and knew we needed them. I got red and she got gold. It didn't matter that we had no place to wear these beauties; we were excited just to put them on and parade around the beach house in them.

So if you visit our place, make sure you request a show. Who knows...maybe we'll throw a little dance in there as well.

***********
On another note, I wanted to thank everyone who voted in the Boobie Wars. I know a lot of you had comments that didn't show up (or other issues with the contest) and I apologize for any problems that arose. Your support was overwhelming and the majority of the traffic to the site came from my blog and Tabbie's.

Boobies rule!

Meet the Parents - My Mom the Unwitting Perv

I'm a little sassy if you haven't noticed.

So it surprises people out here in Cali when they meet my parents, Mary Lou and Joe. They've been married for over 35 years and are the most upstanding people you'd ever meet. They've never done drugs, pay all their bills on time and a wild night out consists of a wine cooler with dinner.

My father, a retired Fire Chief, works a couple of part time jobs just to keep busy. My mother, voted most organized of her senior class, still makes his lunch sandwiches the night before.

This works well, but only if my sister and I aren't visiting. We've ransacked the fridge a time or two after a late night out. My parents would wake up to smears of ketchup on the shelf and little else.

My sister would always claim we didn't know it was Dad's WORK sandwich, so my mother got a little crafty. She started labeling Dad's food with post-it notes so we couldn't feign ignorance. This seemed to do the trick for a while.

So one day, Mom was grocery shopping and had just gotten her hair cut. She noticed people checking her out and smiling and thought they were appreciating her new hairdo. She was practically dancing a jig behind the cart and feeling on top of the world.

Until a man stopped her. He wasn't just smiling, he was laughing at her. In fact he couldn't even speak he was laughing so hard.

Instead he just pointed.

To her left boob.

And there, upon Mom's breast, was one of the sticky notes from the fridge. And it read:

Don't touch - Joe's lunch!!!

Yes, They Are Mine

Tabbie and I like to go bowling. We often frequent a bowl-a-oke night (bowling and karaoke all mixed into one). However, we add a little incentive to the mix.

Each game, the loser has to send the winner a dirty cell phone photo. It doesn't have to be nekkid, but it's got to be a bit racy. Anyone who bowls with us is invited to partake in the process. The only exception is if we have two family members competing - they get the option of paying another team member $5 to send a photo in their place if they lose to someone they are related to.

We also have one rule. The picture you get as a winner cannot be posted or sent anywhere. We did have one incident a year ago when the loser (a boy) sent the winner (a girl) a picture of his lovely hairy balls. Said girl then used that picture as her myspace photo for a week. It was hilarious, but her punishment was stern.

I took my banner photo for saucy reasons and had planned to use it at a bowling event I went to a few weeks ago in case I lost. Tabbie, convinced that she was too gimpy to participate in the cell phone fun, scrapped our contest for the night. And so this poor little picture never made it to the winner (I bowled bad, very very bad).

***If anyone is ever in Cali and feels the need to get their bowl on, give me a ring. I also take pinball bets as well.

Best Boob Compliment Ever

For some reason, I seemed to attract churchy boys when I was in college and high school. Freshman year of college, I ended up dating two guys who would attend weekly Campus Crusade for Christ meetings.

The first, Seth, had long hair. I knew everytime he was going to try and make a move on me because he would grab a rubberband and tie his hair back in a ponytail. Mighty generous of him.

The second, Mr. Texas, was darling. He had a syrupy accent and came off kind of shy. We would spend hours in our dorm rooms watching movies and making out. Mr. Texas was enamored with my breasts and would often sit there with a shocked look on his face while he fondled them.

And one day, this lovely gem came out of his mouth:
I love your breasts. They feel like warm jello in a silk stocking.

I thought it was cute, so I let him taste them. Just as a test, really, to see if they actually did taste like geletin.

But even the man who gave me my most favorite breast compliment ever had to be put out to pasture. As the year progressed, he became more and more torn between pleasing the church and being a regular old college student with a *GASP* sexual appetite. He began going to his weekly meetings and coming to my room energized by the Lord.

And then he would beg for a blowjob.

And then he would get mad when I turned him down.

And then he would tell me I was the devil for tempting him.

Yeah, for some reason this just wasn't working for me. I can be devilish, sure, but THE DEVIL! That's a bit harsh.

Creepy Guy Strikes Again Pt. 3

So I've decided to mix things up a bit and ask people to suggest story lines they might like to incorporate into my steamy IM sessions with Cupid is Stupid. Anything goes, anything at all.