Sunday, February 10, 2008

Oh Baby, Lick Me, Lick Me

I recently went on a trip to Vegas. Our plans, of course, included dancing and liquor and staying out all night long.

We somehow ended up at a club at MGM we had visited the year before. It was a rip roarin outing and in fact, was the first time I had ever been drunk before.

(side note: That means I was 30 years old before I lost my drunk-ginity Please keep this in mind because any subsequent stories where I act foolish were most likely done stone cold sober.)

So after waiting in a ridiculously long line and dealing with the most hated form of doucebag, the BOUNCER DB, we were finally in.

I immediately saddled up to the bar and ordered my $13 Alabama Slammer. I have a fascination with people watching, so I spent the first hour sipping my drink, ordering another and checking out the natives.

The next half an hour was occupied by smoking cigarettes and sitting on a couch near the restrooms. I took a perverse thrill in watching every guy there walk in the ladies bathroom by accident. I never pointed out their mistakes when they walked in, but I did recruit a few women to sit with me and watch all the stumbling, drunk fools run out highly embarrassed a minute later. I am easily entertained.

The alcohol was finally kicking in and I actually felt like joining my roommates on the dance floor. Tabbie was highly engrossed in an English dude we'll call Curly. The Spaz was shaking her thing with one boy, while trying to inch closer to a brawny personal trainer she was intent on going home with that night.

I was dancing near the Spaz, actually starting to enjoy the bad music, when I felt an erection lovingly press itself against my ass. Hands grabbed either side of my waist and said erection was now grinding into me so hard I felt like I was going to have an interesting bruise to explain the next day.

I was then spun around and before I could even get a look at the guy attached to the offending penis, I froze in horror. All I could see was a GIANT TONGUE coming straight for me. I turned my head, more shocked than anything, and the tongue (thankfully!) landed not on my mouth, but on the side of my face. It slipped along my cheek and left a grotesque path of thick saliva all the way to my nose.

And here is where it got really bad.

The guy had obviously been drinking plenty that night. He also must have thrown up a time or two because this trail across my face was tainted with the stink of vomit. I immediately shoved him away and started heaving. I made a break for the bathroom before I left my own puddle of vomit on the dance floor. I was desperately trying to run and dig in my purse for perfume at the same time - I needed to smell anything besides the horrible stench that was clinging to my face and billowing up from under my nose.

Tabbie saw me in a panic and tried to grab my arm as I flew by. But there was no time to explain and I shook her off.

I managed to blindly arrive at the restroom just in time. I spent a good 15 minutes washing my face and recovering before I felt settled enough to brave the club again.

As soon as I rejoined my friends, Vomit Guy was back. I sat on a nearby couch and pretended to be engrossed in my phone. Unfortunately, he was not deterred. He continued to try and talk to me and pull me up to dance with him. I could not even turn my head in his direction because I knew I would be overcome by the waves of his pukey breath. I resorted to shaking my head and holding a "stand back" hand out to prevent him from coming any closer.

I was finally rescued by a lovely gentleman who sensed my distress and planted himself firmly between me and VG. Thank goodness for heroes.


The Ambiguous Blob said...

I was calling the pukey guy grab-hands all night. He thought it was totally okay to grab whoever he wanted whenever he chose. He for sure ended up with a bruise from where I touched him back ohsogently when he decided to get between curly and me.
What an ass.

Ginormous Boobs said...

I can't believe I forgot to mention that after relating the story to Tabbie and The Spaz, I discovered Vomit Guy had accosted the both of them.

AB: Oh lordy, I'm glad you got a good poke in!

Eebie said...

As insanely unique this story is; I've heard of the same situation recounted twice before. And both girls, horrified, spent lots of time washing themselves. My heart goes out to you...

Beyond that I hope you had a great time in Vegas. It's a hell of a party so I'm told.